The Black Abyss
by kikyo113
Summary: When Jedi Master Adalyn Raas decides to go in search of Revan.
1. Chapter 1

Adalyn Raas, Jedi Master, former exile, opened her eyes to a moonlit sky. Up above the silvery stars gazed down on her, some distant planets she'd visited, affected, perhaps even ruined. The last thought was commonplace to her, and she thought almost nothing of it, nothing of the pain that so casually filled her heart. She was used to it. And after almost a decade, who wouldn't have been?

Around her the high grass danced with the wind, and she smiled at the slight breeze involuntarily. Dantooine, though filled with hostile settlers, even more hostile kath hounds, and stodgy Jedi Masters had always had a calming effect on her. Perhaps it was the rolling hills, the sheer abandon nature seemed to have so subtly contained in one spot, or maybe it was only because she had spent so much of her life on it, even going as far as calling it home.

But the Jedi had no true homes; they went where the Force called them, and though she had always been a flighty spirit, always seeking adventure, the thought of stability, of timeless peace had appealed to her in a not so subtle way as well. Perhaps the ways of the Jedi were never for me, she'd often thought, and hell, even confided to Bao Dur. Perhaps she was truly an exile, had always been an exile, even when the order had welcomed her with open arms.

As they did now...

She let the thought slid past her; though she was not one to deny herself emotions-another thing that had convinced her she was not a true Jedi, by Jedi standards anyway-, she'd always known when the best time was to bring up certain subjects-at least when it came to her, that is- and in that moment she wished only to revel in the peace that filled her to the very brim, not worry about what she would say to those who expected her to stay.

Atton...

The thought entered her mind unbidden, and she expertly shoved it away. It wouldn't do to think of him, she surmised, it would only serve to jar her out of this so well crafted mood. But what was she to tell him? That she must simply "Go away"? That he would be left here all alone, waiting as Bastila waited for her Revan?

And Mical... What was she supposed to say? To her he was a bright spot in the galaxy, his innocence shining through the layers of darkness that had once covered the galaxy, once covered her. He loved her, she knew, in his own way, and if she were to leave-when she was to leave, she reminded herself- he would be diminished. They would all be diminished.

"And all for the sake of finding that blasted rogue Jedi," She sighed aloud. "Revan, what have you made of yourself. Where do you lie right now? And why did you choose to go alone? Why must I choose to go alone?"

She stared at the stars as if by some miracle they would answer her, but they simply winked back at her, in and out of focus, same as they had for a thousand years. She smiled, her face lighting up as she remembered the Padawan Revan, her friend of so long ago. He had shone, she remembered, not through his innocence as the disciple did. No, he shone with all the fury of the living Force. He had never truly been a Jedi either; she'd known that the moment they'd first met. He'd been dedicated, but it was not out of loyalty to the Jedi.

He'd been dedicated because the Jedi appealed to his own morals, his own character. And when he had changed... he'd left the order, and waged war with The Republic, in an attempt to both crush it under his heel, and save it. She'd often wondered who had been the true Revan. Had it been the idealistic young man who'd kissed her so spontaneously just before he left for the wars? Or had it been the Sith Lord, the one who'd dared to let her go as he grasped at the title of dark lord?

And why did he let me go? She wondered for the millionth time in her life. For surely he couldn't have felt anything but contempt for her the moment he realized she'd lost her connection to the Force. Surely he would have thought nothing of killing her as she opposed him, as she called him a monster, an abomination, as she'd cried for the return of her lover, her confidant, her best friend.

And he had laughed at her, his laugh grating, as he told her that Jedi were not allowed to love, and that she should never have trusted him with her heart. But there had been compassion in his eyes, and she knew in that moment that the Revan she knew and loved had not been lost forever, though that day was not the time that he would return. So he had left her, her hair billowing in the wind that his freighter generated and she'd returned to the Jedi order, numb and broken.

The ache in her heart as she remembered these things seemed to spread throughout her entire body, until her eyes filled with the tears she'd fought so long to hold back. Of course she should not be thinking of him, she knew. Whatever had been between them was gone now, and she had no desire to ever feel that way about him again. It was simply memories that she couldn't let go of. It was the ache of what she had endured when she had once been so impressionable, an ache that Bastila would never know, for if Revan ever did come back she would not feel betrayed, for he would not have ever renounced his love for her, and if he never came back at all... Well, then, she would only feel his loss as a person, not his loss behind another mask.

And besides, she reminded herself silently, I have others to who I turn to. Others who I love.

"I'm truly not a Jedi," She thought aloud as she stood up and faced the night, simultaneously pulling her light blond hair into a quick pony tail. Slowly, she bent over and picked up her comm, it's red light flashing, telling her that she had missed over fifty of their attempted contacts. She laughed, the wind sweeping away her lilting voice, carrying it up and away.

"Over protective males," She muttered as she headed towards the enclave, it's looming figure blotting out a bit of the night sky.

She reached it quickly, partly because she'd called upon the Force to get her there swiftly, and partly because she was suddenly tired from her tryst with the night. More than anything, she realized, she wanted to fall upon her bed and lie in a sleep so deep, it'd classify as comatose.

She passed a few of the newer padawans on the way to her chambers, though why they were up at such an hour she didn't know. She didn't think to ask, however, for in reality, she didn't care. If they were late to their morning classes, that would be Mical's problem, she surmised as she drifted through the corridors of the rebuilt enclave.

"Master Raas?" The voice was soft, and belonged to the picturesque face of a youngling. She sighed inwardly.

"Yes?" She turned around and faced the child, her blue eyes searching it's eyes for the worry she felt swirling around her.

"Master Shan is gone." Her voice was soft, high, and innocent as any child's is wont to be.

"And I have been gone all night child," Adalyn replied. "Perhaps she has gone for a walk?" The child shook her head, her big eyes watering.

"No, she has been gone all night, and Master Juhani has gone out looking for you. They believe the situation is dire." Adalyn nodded, and this time did not seek to silence the sigh that fell from her lips.

"You did good to tell me," She conceded, "But I think it was high time you were in bed. Master Shan can take care of herself, and if she has left it has been of her own accord. Do not worry on her account," She added when she realized that the child was probably one of the rare ones who trained specifically under Bastila, one that the young Jedi Master had probably affected in some way.

"But-"

"But nothing, Senna," Adalyn replied sternly, suddenly remembering the child's name. "Off to bed you go." The child nodded, and skulked away toward her chambers.

"So she's finally gone in search of Revan, has she?" The voice came out of nowhere, the presence being somewhat concealed, and only her Jedi reflexes saved her from jumping in surprise.

"If she has, she has made a terrible mistake," She replied.

"Heh, that's probably why she's been such a schutta lately," Atton smirked, but Adalyn didn't laugh.

"Love is a serious matter Atton," She scowled.

"Hey," He cried defensively, "I was only joking! So, where have you been?"

"Meditating," She replied, as she turned to him, smiling.

"Jedi," He scoffed. "When are you going to learn that simply thinking about things doesn't solve anything at all?" She shrugged.

"Maybe it would make sense to one who actually thinks," She retorted, suddenly feeling more revived than tired. He laughed.

"Yeah, yeah, you got me there. Pazaak?"

"Not tonight," She replied, her voice taking a serious tone. "I think there are some things I need to tell you guys. Can you call up the crew?" He shrugged.

"It's not like it's going to be hard. They're all at the Ebon Hawk. The problem's getting them up at three o' clock standard time without getting killed." She smiled, the light in her eyes masking the severity of what she knew she needed to say.

"Which is why I left the job to you."


	2. Chapter 2

"_Revan!" She cried, her voice swept away by the twisting gusts of wind that lay native to Dantooine this time of the year. She stopped in the middle of the field, panting. How long had she been running? she wondered. Easily hours, and in pursuit of him. She cursed aloud, remembering that he was probably studying with Master Kavar. _Amazing how these things seem to come to you at the worst times, Adalyn_, she thought to herself as she turned to go back to the enclave. But no, she couldn't let them see her like this, she realized. In fact, she didn't even know what had compelled her to leave the common rooms and seek out Revan when she wasn't even robed properly, not to mention completely hysterical. Sighing she fell to the ground, ignoring a friendly Kath hound as it nudged her._

_The gray sky stared back at her for one long moment before she closed her eyes and became one with the world._

_Meditation had always helped her control her emotions, clear her mind. It offered her a sense of peace when she felt that the world was in turmoil, but now was different. Now the world was different- now she didn't understand it at all. But the plants were the same, if not a bit drowsy from the lack of sun. She plunged herself, her whole self into them and the minuscule insects around her, forgetting herself in a whirlwind of activity._

_She had no idea how long she lay there, staring into the very heartbeat of the world before she was shaken awake. She shivered as the sudden cold hit her, and opened her eyes to the world. It was dark, after sunset, and she was drenched from the falling rain. Rain? She'd forgotten it was raining in the brief moment it had taken to come back to herself. She'd noticed it as she'd been an ant, been a tree, but as a human she'd forgotten everything. She winced slightly, and a whimper fell involuntarily from her mouth._

"_You're bleeding." It wasn't a question; he didn't care how it had happened, just that it be fixed as soon as possible. She shrugged, and pain flared up her arm. Cursing silently at the "Friendly Kath hound", she called the Force to her in a healing burst. Instantly the pain calmed, and then was relieved altogether as Revan combined his strength with hers._

"_How did you find me?" She asked drowsily as he pulled her to her feet. He shrugged, looking perfectly calm in the pouring rain, as though he'd planned to be out there at that very moment, as though he preferred getting soaked to staying inside the enclave where it was warm and dry. _Hell_, she thought, _maybe he did_. After all, even now she still didn't want to go back. The Jedi had betrayed them with their stoic ways. They preached protection, and when the time came to protect they simply hid away in their enclave and talked of times of peace..._

"_I could feel you from miles away," He replied, wrapping his arms around her shivering form, hoping to spread warmth. It worked for a moment, but she doubted it was the kind of warmth he'd hoped to provide so she pulled away._

"_I came to find you," She said softly as they made their way slowly back to the enclave._

"_Find me? Why? Is something wrong?" Revan had never been one to hide his emotions, and now was not an exception. Fear and worry slipped into his voice and coated every syllable. She laughed softly as the thought of Master Vrook came to mind. No doubt he would have a field day when he learned that the Republic's number one Jedi Knight had just allowed personal attachment and emotion to filter into his heart. But now is not the time for such thoughts, she reminded herself-now was the time for action, and it was action she'd intended to preach to him._

"_There is a lot that is wrong," She replied, "But none of it is personal." She sounded weary, even to herself, and for a moment, she wished she had true reason. Unlike some people, she was well taken care of. She had food, a home, even a family of sorts. And she was _safe

"_What is it?" He stopped walking and searched her overflowing eyes with his own for the answer. Silently, she berated herself. _This is no time for hysterics Adalyn,_ she told herself,_ this is a time for well spoken words, a time for persuasion, not emotion.

"_Kavar told me today," She began, "We have been friends for some time; I knew him when he was only a knight, and now I am one of his top students. The war- they have made their decision." Revan sucked in a breath._

"_There was a decision to make?" He asked. "I thought it was a sure thing?" She shook her head._

"_The people," She breathed deeply, "They have decided that they will simply let them die." She noticed in the dim light that he was shivering, not with cold, but with rage. _

"_What?" Perhaps it was too dangerous to anger him, she thought, but it had never stopped her before. His passion for life, his zeal had always excited her. He was a passionate friend, one that she had thought would understand her feelings on this matter. And she had already began, so why not finish?_

_But something pulled the inner drawstrings of her heart, and guilt, hot and overflowing poured into her chest. It felt like liquid fire, this foreboding sense that everything would change if she continued, and she nearly gasped with the pain._ What is wrong with you?_ She cried inwardly. _You promised yourself you would tell him...

_Lightning lit the sky, and for one brief moment the world was silent, still, as though it were waiting._

"_They have said they will not aid the Republic in this war," She breathed. "They think there is something more to this than just a war between the Republic and Mandalorians. They think there is something else behind it, and yes Revan, I agree with them. After all, why would the Mandalorians simply attack us for no reason, even if they honor war and glorify death? But it doesn't excuse the fact that innocents die while we wait to see who it is!"_

"_They think it is the Sith?" It was worded as a question, but his voice made it clear that she was not to answer. He was musing now-anyone who knew how to read facial expression could see that. _

"_They say that anyone who chooses to defy the council on this matter will face certain exile," She went on. "They say that anyone who chooses to protect people as they have taught us to won't be seen as a Jedi anymore!" She felt the tears fall rapidly now. Even her Jedi training could not prevent them. After all, a life without the order any knight had grown up in seemed pointless. To never be acknowledged by something you'd once devoted your life to was one of the harshest punishments she could ever think of, and now her masters, teachers, mentors- they were all asking her to ignore the pain and suffering of the common people, on pain of exile._

"_Are you sure about this, Adalyn?" He asked her, searching her eyes and thoughts for any hint of deception. Somehow, the fact that he was willing to believe her to be a liar on this matter hurt her even more deeply than the council's decision. She winced inwardly, only her Jedi training keeping her from making any other outward sign of emotion._

"_Yes," She snapped, realizing slightly too late that simply hiding facial emotions wouldn't cut it when she chose to speak. _

"_And why did you wish to share this information with me?" His voice was calm, detached even. It was the voice of a trained Jedi Knight, and now that she thought about it, she didn't really know what she had expected him to feel on this matter. He was her friend, true, the closest she had even, but loyalty came before friendship, right?_

"_Because I thought you would do something about it," She replied, her voice sounding harsh even to her own ears. He turned away, abruptly ending their muddy trek to the enclave in a feeble attempt to avert her eyes. _

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to doubt you. I just didn't think the council... I mean, millions have already died. Why would they choose to abandon so many?"_

"_It was harsh of me to expect you to do anything," She replied, "I mean, how could I expect you to..." Her voice trailed off, as she realized just how awkward she was sounding. True, he was her friend, but even friends didn't need to be told such things, especially Jedi friends._

"_To what?"_

"_I'm leaving the order, Revan." Her voice was steel, the closing of a door. "If the order chooses to be stagnant, then I choose not to be a part of it."_

"_You don't mean that." His voice was flat, tired. And the worst part was that he _knew_ he spoke the truth._

"_I do." He turned around at that at least._

"_But what could you do to ease the suffering by leaving the order behind?"_

"_I choose to answer war with war," She replied, ignoring the "Typical Guardian" look he was giving her. "If the Mandalorians want a war, they've got one. With me." He shook his head, trying to clear it, and succeeded only in getting her even wetter._

"_I don't know whether to feel sorry for them, or laugh at the thought of seeing a Mandalorian's eyes when they fall to someone as petite as you." She smiled slightly._

"_Yes, that will be a sight," She agreed, looking over her bony figure. If anything, she had the physique of a thirteen year old, fresh from childhood. _

"_You wanted me to join you, didn't you?" His voice was husky in the falling rain, and it seemed to drown out everything else._

"_Yes," She replied, aware suddenly how much she was giving up, not only by leaving the Jedi, but just by allowing someone to see so much of her. The cloak of indifference she wore had been torn off, and suddenly she felt so exposed._

"_Then I'll go." His answer took her off guard. "And so will Malak. He's been itching for a fight, that brute. I know for a fact that Nami will come as well. Even if that is all we can persuade to join us, it will be enough. Wherever you go Adalyn, I will follow." She was speechless for a moment._

"_But you'll be leaving everything!" She cried, suddenly thinking of all the arguments she imagined the golden boy of the Jedi order would give her. "They've already talked about putting you on the council, making you a master!"_

"_I have neither the wisdom nor the knowledge to be on the council, and besides, putting one as young as I on the council has never been done," He replied stoically._

"_Revan, your attunement with the Force is almost as great as that of Master Vrook and Vandar. Give it a few more years and you'll be one of the greatest Jedi there ever was. How can you even think of leaving this? I was so selfish to think that you should come."_

"_How can you think I would ever leave you?" He asked, his voice a ghost of a whisper. "You mean so much to me. You and Malak are the only true friends I really have."_

"_But-" He cut her off with the sweep of a hand._

"_I love you, Adalyn Raas, and there is no way I could ever hope to attain you if we stayed within the order. Do you feel the same way?"_

_Silence, stretched to infinity. She sucked in a breath._

"_Uh huh." It was all she could say in that moment, the only thing that would leave her trembling lips. He smiled, looking relieved and boyish in a way she'd never seen him look before._

"_Then I've lost nothing." She couldn't tell if it was her body that fell into his, or his arms that encircled her first as he kissed her for the first time. All she knew was that she was in heaven._

Light. There was blinding light. At first she thought it was an explosion, that the Mandalorians had come and broken through her camp while they slept- she still dreamt about the war sometimes-, then she realized that the light above her had nothing to do with explosions. After a brief moment of no blasty sounds, she felt that her idea was confirmed, and that she was not in an enemy camp, and that it was probably safe to talk...Maybe.

"General?"

Groan.

"You took quite a bump to your head there." _Oh Force, am I back on Telos? Will I have to relive everything?_ _Or maybe I dreamt it all..._

He must have seen the look on her semi conscious face and deciphered it because the next moment he was shaking her and laughing at the same time.

"What happened?" Her voice was dry, raspy; for a moment she thought the spirit of Master Vrook-funny how she still thought of him as _Master,_ with a capital M - had invaded her body, before she realized that it was only due to lack of water that her voice sounded so. There was a slight chuckle from Atton in the background.

"You fell." It was Mandalore who said it, and she felt her stomach coil with either dread or embarrassment, though to anyone she would have denied the latter.

"When?"

"On the boarding ramp, just before you came to speak to us." This time it was the Disciple who spoke, his voice filled with worry. _So I haven't spoke to them yet? Oh Sith-spit!_

"The council wishes for me to find Bastila," She said suddenly, conveniently forgetting her oath to tell the truth. "I told them I would search for her, and as I was boarding I had a vision." Not entirely a lie, though not exactly the truth. After all, she had no doubt that her search for Revan would inevitably lead her to Bastila, and the council would express wishes that she be found...eventually. She sighed, opened her eyes, and shut them as her head retorted to the angry medical lights with a twinge.

"And what did you see in this vision?"

"Hey, lay off Mical!" Atton jumped in, "She just took a bang to the head."

"And I can heal myself without all these damn kolto injections," She mumbled, summoning the Force to do her bidding. It was done in an instant; being a general in a war often meant slight concussions or worse, and during the entire Republic crusade against the Mandalorians, her strength and will to heal herself had often been tested. She felt the tubes fall away as the Disciple reluctantly pulled them from her skin.

"Are you sure you're okay?" She nodded, her head suddenly much more clear, before she remembered to open her eyes.

The med bay stared back at her, all glistening walls and shelves of supplies. Apart from the sudden surplus of people, there was nothing amiss about it.

"So where do you plan to go first?" Bao Dur. She winced slightly at this. Of everyone in the room, only he seemed to know that this was a task she would undertake alone.

"Coruscant," She lied. "It's as good a place to start as any."

"But I thought you had a vision?"So Atton is suspicious, she thought, he just doesn't want Mical to know...

"I did. I saw her on a cargo ship." Not a bad start. "It didn't exactly tell me where she was going, you know?"

"So she's finally going after Revan? Strange that nobody thought to do it before her..." Suddenly her head was swimming. _Revan._ She felt the tears come unbidden to her eyes. Desperately she fought them back. _Just what is happening to me?_ She wondered._ A week ago I never would have thought of him, and now I become unconscious from the power mere memories have over me..._

"Are you okay, General?"

"I'm fine," She snapped, anxiety getting the better of her. She stood up, nearly taking the medical table with her, and stalked out of the room, hoping they took her bad mood as something-anything- other than what it was. The confused murmurs behind her abounded, and she shut them out without even sparing a thought.

Straight down the corridors she went, turning left only once as she made her way to the barracks. Exhausted, she flung herself upon a bed, closed her eyes, and offered herself up to the world.

The former Dark Lord of the Sith sat uneasily in the pilot's seat of the small freighter he'd rented nearly a year ago-not that he was paying for it now; he doubted the dealership would want it in it's present condition; ships with blaster holes didn't really place that high on the market, and they would probably either make him pay for repairs or buy a new one altogether. Needless to say, the former Darth Revan was quite content with stealing it. After all, he'd done worse things, right?

He shifted, his legs, arms, and any other conceivable body part aching from sitting in one spot for over fifty six standard hours. It only served to cause his exhausted body to ache even more. As one who had fought in his share of battles, he'd never imagined that fighting for your life would ever be preferable to simply sitting still for a given amount of time. He sighed, and ran his fingers through his dark hair. He could go fifty more hours if need be- _thanks to the Jedi training that I can remember_, he mused dryly- but at the moment there really was no need to sit in the cockpit. It was only from sheer paranoia that he searched with bloodshot eyes for enemy ships along the hyperspace route. Then again, hadn't it been sheer paranoia that had kept him alive this long?

But the Force sensed no danger, and though he hated trusting things he didn't truly understand, the Force was one of the only things that remained remotely consistent. Stretching widely, he flicked the switch that sent the ship into automatic autopilot.

"If I die, it will be nobody's fault but my own," He mused aloud, before realizing that at the moment, he really didn't care.

It took him less than thirty seconds to find the barely used barracks, and fall into bed, too tired to even let the fatigue show on his face. His senses expanded as he fell into himself, reminding him of someone long ago who would get so lost in the feelings and emotions of others that she would forget herself...

_Images flashed before his eyes. Bastila was first-she was always first- and then there were planets burning, people dying, and even in his dream state he could recall the names, the places, the feelings that had rolled off of them in waves when they died. _

_He felt the sickening crunch of bones beneath his fingers as he threw a petite girl with sparkling blue eyes into a durasteel wall. She looked up at him through tear rimmed eyes, blood falling silently from her mouth._

"_I won't let you win." A look of betrayal, a look of hurt. He regarded her coldly, even though his heart was breaking. He wouldn't let her go, wouldn't have her break as he had broken, wouldn't allow her to understand why he'd done the things he'd done, and would do the things he'd do. No, he'd rather see her die._

_He felt her body fall limp as electricity plunged into it from fingertips._

"_My love you have no choice..."_

_Then there was Malak, careening down the bloodied hill to save his fallen friend. He saw her as she died again, her slightly upturned brown eyes closing halfway as she lay in his best friend's arms. He'd seen all this even as he battled the Mandalorian threat. And he never fell, not once..._

Revan opened his eyes, all hope for a decent rest eradicated from his mind. He cursed, silently wondering just how much rest he'd gotten in the past week. The answer that came to his mind did not surprise him, but it also did not happen to lighten his mood. Then again, not much did these days.

After all, he did not know who he was, nor where he was. The planets he passed were nothing more than barely remembered names from his subconscious, and even then they only served as rest stops along the way to a destination he doubted he'd remember even if it slapped him in the face. Metaphorically speaking, that was; he didn't really feel like having the Force suddenly crash his barely-welded-together-, piece-of-bantha-fodder ship into some unknown planet that he'd have to stay at until some other Jedi inadvertently rescued him, like he'd done so long ago to the old Joli Bindo. Not that the older Jedi would have liked being classified as "Rescued", that was.

But even these brief thoughts of long gone friends didn't serve to cheer the former Dark Lord up as he stumbled to the fresher in the hopes of the one thing he could be at that moment: clean.

_No_, he thought as he stepped in and let the water fall over his aching body,_ I neither know who I was, or who I am now. I have changed. These visions have hurt me in ways that even I would not have imagined five years ago when I left them all behind, and I cannot find the cure. I am not the same person that fell in love with Bastila, and I am not the same creature that hurt my..._

My what?

"Your what, Revan?" He asked himself, exasperated. "Your what?" For the hundredth time that month the answers touched his mind, only to pull away at the last second, before he had a chance to comprehend.

Oh, how he hated not knowing things. He suspected that this had always been an aspect of his personality, which was one of the reasons that he had kept his given name. Revan. It just seemed to fit him. It was almost as though a missing part of him-or one of the missing parts, rather- had finally been regained. But, as the warm water ran over him, he knew that the visions were not done with him, and would not be done until he recognized the part of him which still remained hidden: the Dark Lord. And for the first time since he'd embarked on his journey he was truly afraid-not of Sith assassins or marauders bent on revenge, but of himself.


End file.
